So, I’ve got this dog. Yeah, this little beagle with patches of brown over white fur. It’s alright. Originally a plan to get girls by luring them in on the street with the cute puppy then getting to talk to them. Clever. I’d read about it on this article. Well, I say article. It was one of those clickbait pages that draw idiots in with headlines like ‘You Won’t Believe These 14 Life Hacks’ or in the case of the one I read ‘12 Ways to Improve Your Game’. Game in this case meaning; ability to speak to women. Something I find to be more of a job than a game. As in, I need to do it to survive but it’s a fucking ball ache. Like a builder who hates labouring but also needs money for food and shelter. If I don’t at least try with the ladies I’ll shrivel up with dehydration from all the masturbation. It’s not like I’m shit with girls, I’ve had a couple of girlfriends in my time but it’s hard work. Talking about things like Love Island or the Kardashians. Normie things. I hate things like that, they’re made for such stupid people. That’s why I wouldn’t usually go for a clickbait article, never mind actually following it’s advice. They’re certainly written for normie dumbfucks but I was taking any advice I could get on the ‘game’ front.
So, I’ve got this dog. Yeah, just like the animated gif on the article suggested, because apparently ‘40% of women find a man with a dog irresistible.’ It was probably a stupid idea but I needed to do something. I called him Ganon after the Zelda antagonist. Thought it’d be a pretty edgy name for a dog since everyone calls theirs some plain, boring name like Rex or Spike, so I went a bit out there. Edgy. I bought him from my cousin who breeds them in his garage. There must have been about eight of these puppies bouncing about their big fat mother. I don’t really like dogs. Everyone likes dogs. They’re all so stupid and they always reek of shit. I ended up choosing the one with the smallest little patches of brown and a long strip of dark fur going between his eyes because I reckoned girls would find that the cutest and in turn, make me more irresistible. I had to spend the first three weeks nursing him after he got a virus from leaving his mother too soon. Such a fucking ball ache. Had a week off work because he was tearing up all my shit whenever I left the house. He even destroyed my old NES by chewing the power and AV cables that are nearly impossible to replace. Along with all his injections and chips and bed and collar, Ganon turned into a pretty big investment, but I figured what I put out in pounds would come back in pussy times two. That’s three hundred and eighteen pussy, quite a bit to get through before he dies and once he was ready to be walked outside, I was ready to start cashing in.
So, I’ve got this dog. Yeah, me and Ganon strolling round to the park up the street from my house. I got him this retro collar with an 8-Bit triforce on it and his lead was the same colour as the master sword. I went really Zelda themed. Once we got through the park gates there was already this blonde walking towards us with her labrador who was instantly locked onto Ganon. I start edging towards her, she’d have to address me at some point and then I’d be well on my way to getting her number or maybe just kissing her there and then. I didn’t know just how effective the dog could be, for all I knew she could have gotten back to mine that night. Her dog was really trying to get to Ganon so they could play but she started to tug on the lead away from us. She started to storm off in this mad rush, totally uninterested.
“Come on, Rex.” Rex. I fucking knew it. No point in pursuing someone who’s such a normie like that. I just figured she’d pursue me, what with me having a dog and all. Then I remembered what the article said.
‘40% of women…’ That’s less than half of all women. I’d need to encounter three women at most before one of them would dart straight for me. Two out of five women isn’t bad so as long as I had Ganon and a little more patience, I’d be swimming in pussy before we did a full circuit of the park. We carried on, Ganon plodding alongside of me. I bet it was all so bizarre to him, such a big open space like the world could have been infinitely bigger than what he expected. Maybe if he wasn’t fucking about with thoughts like that he’d have lured in this skinny girl walking past on her phone. I tried to sort of point him at her by giving a quick yank on the collar but he was taking a piss as she passed. Fucking typical. Like a pissing dog is going to be attractive to 40% of women? Probably 2% at most. Not a problem though. Statistically, the next woman would be instantly attracted to me via Ganon.
So I’ve got this dog. Yeah, this tiny pissing beagle in an enormous pissing park that must have been heaving with ladies ripe for the picking and humming with sexual tension. Anyway, I don’t do a lot of walking so I was have to take the occasional stop to catch my breath. We stop by this bin and Ganon starts to take a shit. His first one outside. I’d have been proud if he hadn’t been murdering the efficacy of his female attraction. I pulled out a little bag from a pocket in my cargo shorts and made sure not to get any of the mess on my sandals or my dark souls hoodie. I needed to look my best for the ladies. That’s when the third woman approached us, unfortunately for me it was a 60 year old park attendant, all happy to talk to me. The usual normie conversation like ‘Ooh isn’t he nice’ and ‘What exactly is a triforce?’ I managed to escape the painful chitchat, encouraged only by the %33.33 success rate of this stupid dog. The article, as foolish as it seemed, was near enough correct to some degree. Even if it was written for normie idiots. Even if the woman it was referring to were old ladies.
Over time, Ganon helped me to get a passing hello or a quick conversation from the odd girl here or there but it never usually went much further than, ‘His collar is weird.’ Or ‘Why didn’t you give him a normal name?’ I considered changing it to Toby or Doug or something like that but that was just what they wanted and it would confuse the hell out of him. He didn’t listen to me as it was and I usually spent more time shouting at him than walking with him. Idiot dog. There was this one instance where I spent quite a while talking this girl called Hannah and she seemed nice. That is until she started to use the word ‘Literally’ in literally every sentence. Such a normie thing to do. I know it’s petty to get hung up on it but still. I was close to giving him up or hiring a dog walker until one day when I was out with him, we got stopped by this girl in a denim jacket with dyed blue hair.
“Oh my gosh your dog is so cute!” She said in this really breathy and exasperated way like people are so taken aback by dogs. It’s an internet thing. It’s cool. “Oh no way! His triforce collar!” She did this cartoonish thing where she put her hands on her cheeks like The Scream. I’d never heard a girl use that word before.
“Yeah, I got it online. His lead is the master sword, look.” She was down stroking him and I noticed her SNES themed backpack and bulbasaur earrings.
“Oh my god that’s adorable! What’s his name?” This was the decider. Normie or not.
“Ganondorf.” I was a mixture of proud and inquisitive and she flashed this bright smile at me. It was fantastic. Then she beamed to Ganon lovingly.
“Oh, you are so cute!” She said as she stroked Ganon. He’d done his job excellently by reeling her in. Now it was my job to get her off the hook and into the boat.
“I am, yeah.” I said. She laughed, shaking her head at me, “That’s was him. It wasn’t me.” Thank god she was still smiling. I loved looking at that smile.
“He’s not very modest, is he?” She said back, a little coy but interested.
“Well, he gets a lot of attention. He’s developed a bit of an ego.” I was killing this. I’d never been so charming before. It felt great.
“Does he now? I suppose that makes me a bit plain by his standards then.”
“No, no. He likes you,” Oh and he did like her, “you’re the only person to recognise his collar or understand his name”
“Oh really?” She smiled, looking at the dog, then back to me. “Maybe if I gave him my number we could discuss Zelda and stuff over dinner?” Just like that, the dog had worked. It was that easy. I could barely control my elation but I was trying to force this suave act.
“Well, he doesn’t have a phone. You could give your number to me and I can tell him?” She gave me another one of those bright smiles and I could almost see those three hundred and eighteen pussies coming home to roost.
“Hmm, that’ll do, I think.” She told me her name and put it in my phone while we chatted for a bit as she typed away on my screen. “Oh - The contacts app crashed,” Oh fuck. “Sorry, it’s gone to browser, sorry.” I had to act fast and I took the phone from her but it was already too late. She’d seen it.
“What was that website?” She seemed scared to ask. Scared to know. I stared blankly for a moment, too uncertain.
“No… no it wasn’t.” Why did I re-read that fucking article?
“It looked like Buzzfeed. There was an animated gif.” She wasn’t smiling now, she looked vaguely disgusted.
“No- That was- It wasn’t…”
“Actually, I just remembered I’m running late” She started to step over Ganon, who was sat patiently, and away towards the gates as though I was contaminated in some way.
“It wasn’t Buzzfeed. I hate those articles. I hate them!” She was a couple of metres or so away by now, “You didn’t finish giving me your number!” desperately shouting.
“I’m sorry, I have to go!” She was jogging away and like that she was gone.
So, I’ve got this dog. Yeah, this normie looking beagle with the cutesie little patches and the dark fur between his eyes. I hate him. I hate clickbait. I hate myself.